If you really hate me that much, you need to stop letting me put my penis inside of you. It sends the wrong message.
So I tried to call my phone from his phone and was like, "hey, my name is not in here..I thought you had my number" turns out he has my number saved as "gives good head"
I went down on her for 35 minutes and didn't even get a handy. I've never felt more desire to be gay in my life.
No sex in the champagne room. The champagne room being my life
We tried to hook you up with a girl but you said you'd rather fuck the large muscular black man because "At least he'd be tight". He was the bouncer, he heard you.
She was just a sweet cute intern for us until I saw her naked in my bed the day after the Christmas party
Haha sweet. I'm being the Mad Hatter. I'll be drinking out of a tea cup all night. Or at least until I inevitably lose it, break it, or use it as a weapon.
Man, I meant to go dancing, but accidentally took mushrooms and just threw the frisbee in the park
Surprise ending
The dick pic bandit just sent me a poem about showering..
but I have boobs. I'm not going to buy my own drinks at the bar like some kind of fucking animal.
Remember the girl I had sex with in the dorm stairwell? She got married!
I am drunk at 8am listening to Cyndi Lauper and dressed up in a penguin suit
Just had a customer call his drug dealer in front of me but act like it was normal call.
Pretty sure I have a sex related back injury. I'm not sure if I should be proud or ashamed.
might I remind you I fucked a 21 year old and almost did coke with strangers? you definitely came out on top
Randomize
