Cops are here now. U need to come back. Ur not under arrest. But u need to apologize to the woman for what you did to her cat.
if i wake u up at 5am tmrw by coming into ur room wearing nothing but my indiana jones hat and purple socks while singing 'courtesy of the red white + blue' will u be pleased or annoyed
keep in mind this isn't open to negotiation, i'm just trying to gauge ur reaction
oh there is nothing like the 1st beerbong of the school year
i'm sitting in the library realizing that the 2 most productive things i did this weekend was have sex and go to the liquor store...
i left after you tried to balance a shot of tequila on your head while screaming at the bar tender that you fucked his girlfriend
I found a lucrative side business - giving rides home to drunk oil executives. Very profitable.
I thought it was a drawer and tried to pull it out and it wasnt a drawer it was the police call button. I hate everything.
Start warming up your vocal cords, because Fucking With The Windows Open season has arrived.
and if planning a fake elopement keeps me from fucking strangers and doing drugs, i think it's good for me
I'm in the line at Chipotle thinking: "What combo will best prepare my body for the open bar I'm going to subject it to tonight?"
The thing about being single is like Sunday morning sex is nice but so is Sunday morning eating Nutella from the jar in your underwear
I can't. I mean he's hot, but there's really nothing else there
You just said he's hot
NO YOU DON'T UNDERSTAND
Babe, holding my hair while i blow you doesn't count as being romantic
He woke up wondering who broke in and rearranged all the furniture. He reviewed 11 hours of security footage before I told him he did it while whiskey-drunk.
I came so hard my ears popped.
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