Proposition. Sex. No words, no talking about it later. I just want you tonight.
my ass hurt today after the party last night. I wnt to the doctors and they found a coin in a ziplock bag with a note from you. WHAT THE FUCK DID U DO TO ME???
Questioning the dried heart shaped nutella on my boobs. Valentines day has begun.
Sorry about bonging beers with your mom but in all fairness you were late...
I'm just here to guide your spirit, avoiding herpes is on you though
Already at the river; already getting fucked up. And yes that semicolon is legit because those are congruent statemests
All I have done at work today is eat and try to get my coworker to tie me to his bed again
There is no such thing as a great breathalizer story. That isn't a thing that exists.
I found out that rock climbing and alcohol does not go together. Ask my broken arm.
Was looking through my phone and saw that drunk me took a tit pic in the Denny's bathroom..
I don't have the resources to adequately explain this. I need like a Powerpoint presentation and also Vodka.
Please remind me next time not to call the ex who cheated on me to cry about the ex who forgave me for putting him in prison. It would be much appreciated.
The assignment was about the Industrial Revolution so I just screamed at them in a British accent all day. No, they didn't know I was hungover.
Drunk you needs to learn how to call sober me, so sober me can talk your drunk vagina down.
What a way to start the day. Staring at penis for 3 hours
It's pretty much my favorite thing ever
Randomize
