the girls on my floor started fighting over who got to keep the random hoodies that boys forgot in my room after sex
There needs to be a newsfeed for phones... A list of all my drunken calls, texts, BBMs, new contacts, pictures sent AND received, all in chronological order.
I stayed at the bar and helped clean up cause I was told I'd get free shots. Didn't happen.
I just bought condoms at Big Lots. please save this text so you can laugh at me in 9 months
.....woke up with a tube of cinnamon buns in my pocket, i miss you
Being at this bar with grandma is a real cockblocker
Just realized how many men I've had sex with for the first time in St. Patty's Day past. Currently sending "HAPPY SEXIVERSARY" texts...
Why do the people I hook up with still exist after we're done?
Um, you were throwing up the shocker symbol in front of all of the wedding guests during the best man's speech. No wonder the groom thinks we're bad
I really want to throw this drink in your face but it was 6 dollars that shits expensive
I'm not pregnant. Security came before he could.
I'm pants less watching buffy the vampire slayer drinking rum. I'm not that hard to impress
My boyfriend told me that I said I wanted to "feast on her vagina"... Glad I don't remember.
I was supremely disappointed in the lack of dick and doughnuts in my life last week.
I will most likely miss you the least and fondly remember you as Mr. "I need a minute" but really need 24 hours and 4 extra inches.
Randomize
