people and things i regret. that's what i want to do tonight.
is hooking up with someone you used to babysit wrong?
My dad hugged me and said I love u. I'm glad I didn't pull out that night.
I am sleeping on the floor in your room so if you have sex in here just don't roll on me
I just took a shit in a BP station. It seemed appropriate since they are shtting in our ocean.
I was just wished a Happy Valentine's Day by the (Mexican) Chinese food delivery guy. I've never had clearer "get your life together" message than that.
you kept yelling "this bitch stole my phone" to the guy who found you passed out in the parking lot
Spent 200 bucks on a stripper for a good night hug. I give up.
Lost my key. Fell asleep on the doorstep and got woken up by host grandma poking me with a broom.
You can duct tape yourself to me so we dont lose you and you dont have to celebrate your birthday alone
Dude, Donte totally wants it. I don't have any idea how I do it. I'm not even cool. I'm not even the hero Gotham deserves. I'm barely high. My hands are swelling. Want me to pick you up anything from five guys?
I'm watching Trainwreck with Jeff and realizing that I'm the John Cena in my relationship.
i got woken up by a cockroach crawling onto my hand and now i'm pretty sure i'll never be clean again
How drunk was I last night?
You tried to unlock a door with your dick. That drunk.
Not the explanation for the cock bruise that I was looking for.
It started off with wine and ended up with me in only my pearls and heels. It was about the classiest sexual experience I've ever had.
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