I feel like i just miscarried Jesus's baby...
thank god dogs can't talk. they see way to much.
Although last time you were unsure about someone they flipped a golf cart on me.
If we break up, I want weekend visitations with your penis.
For the record, saying you're friends with the owner doesn't work when the owner is the one throwing you out.
This is probably the only time in my life I'm going to be able to say I'm going to the hospital too smoke weed and play Mario kart.
1st rule of birth control pills: do not stop taking birth control pills. 2nd rule of birth control pills: do NOT STOP taking birth control pills.
You stole a fry from a complete stranger. He wasn't happy. Then you said fuck it and stole the whole poutine and ran down the street while he stared in shock.
Move ovrr Titanoc and all you others. Heres the real tale of woe. This ladys failed search for boozdy goodnezs.
dying me prepared for dead me... i woke up with my laptop open to the last snl episode, a bottle of gatorade, advil and a bag of chocolate all next to me
Well if your hearts not big enough, your penis certainly is. Just have a threesome
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
Sometimes i wish my vagina automatically turned itself off when i'm legally drunk.
I swear I have some evil slut demon in me when I'm blacked out
Don't we all.
If he brings home bacon, dont let him leave. Dont screw this one up. this may be our last chance.
Randomize
