so, totally just picked up a pack of red bull, and some magnum condoms and the old woman at the register's tone went from "hi blah how are you" to "oh....how YOU DOIN'?" she knew what was up
please take me off your list of people to text when you don't want to drink by yourself.
Is it creepy to message a girl and say you had me at stocked liquor cabinet?
because whats more american than sleeping with a westpoint cadet on the 4th of july?
She was drunk breaking up with me. All of my emails to her were coming back with UNSUBSCRIBE as the subject.
Just had lapdance from stripper that had her 5th kid 28 hours earlier. A for work ethic.
Apparently it is frowned upon to ask the bouncer to stop pointing his flashlight in your face and step back so you can puke....and then do it
The boat wouldn't start, so we brought it back to her house and we've been sitting in it in her driveway for the past 5 hours drinking beer and yelling at peoplee.
Oh please not the Easy Cheese again. That was weird.
I'm not sure what step "make amends" is, but my phone is on
If I ever see that bitch it is going down flavor of love style
The only word that describes how much hair I shaved off of my ass is "considerable".
You can't just say "I scored us a potential threesome" and then not text me back.
He has a beach house and a Simba tattoo. Our wedding is next Tuesday, hope you're free.
Some bitch is passed out in a pool of vomit. Fucking lightweight, it's only 8.30.
Oh, wait.. That's you.
Randomize
