Earlier, I saw a homeless man that looked like Abe Lincoln, and I just saw a guy walk past wearing crocs and socks. I'm beginning to like this city less and less
he breathalyzed me before we had sex.
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns.
For future references, orgasms clear sinuses.
That's the last time you call me to prove to some girl at a bar that you're English. It's bad enough that you actually get to fuck them because of it without having to wake me up to seal the deal.
I'll report later on the progress of the mountain orgy
And at least you didn't have a dinner of Ranch Pringles and Double Stuff Oreos. I forgot that part of being single.
When's a good time to tell your boyfriend you've slept with his ex girlfriend?
She asked if I could convince him so shave that shit off his face so he'll have a snowball's chance in hell of getting laid.
I'm a bit broke right now... Would it be OK if I pay you in champagne and Xanax?
I think John will remember that birthday for a while. I'm still dying at the fact a stripper was hunting me down.
We discussed how many times we've passed out during sex. The answers may shock you.
"We drove to the deserted part of the parking lot, and that's where we blew each other. It was so romantic."
How do I put this... You're dating Ricky from Trailer Park Boys. Stop eye-fucking him and actually listen to what he says for once. He actually said "I self-learned that myself, basically" while rolling a joint. He's worse than your unskilled magician ex that accidentally cut off three of his own fingers
It makes me so happy that my local liquor store has a black lab that is there every day. Really tho - it makes the higher prices excusable.
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