i can't wait to go to hell
yeah...all of my friends will be there for sure
Contrary to popular belief, while 19 is an attractive age, it does not equate to sexual prowess.
My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
So, I picked up my 7 ft tall lamp post and used it to close my door. I feel quite accomplished.
ive come to the point where weve hung out more times sober than drunk. i think im growing up. fuck.
It's one thing to send dick shots. It's a whole other thing to send unimpressive dick shots while wearing crocs.
I refuse to go to this wedding alone, or sober. Practice drunk-walking in heels and a Bridesmaid dress begins tonight.
I'm going out w/ her for her b-day in a bit. I just talked to one of her drunk friends on the phone who asked if I could "handle 7 lesbian." This could be interesting.
I gave him shit for taking my sloppy seconds and when I woke up my eyebrow was gone
You don't know how badly I want to just hold you as a soup spoon holds a bisque
Now that makes it sound like you had sex with a guy in batman costume and you never took the mask off so you can't 100 percent be sure.
It's like your nipple is comforting my nipple.
My dad sent me a 10 ft beer bong and my mom sent me ideas for future careers. I'll let you guess who my favorite parent is. Also, come over tonight. and bring beers.
No other awkward car ride can beat the one you give your drug dealer home.
I'm eating cold pizza from work and drinking beer from a wine glass trying to decide if I want to shower or just rub one out and go to sleep. How have I ever gotten laid?
Because you're really hot before taking the time to actually get to know you.
Randomize
