Would it be quicker to bike the freeway home?
in retrospect, sexting while high was a mistake - I meant to say "I'll fuck you stupid, baby" but of course I said "I'll fuck your stupid baby"
The worst part was I wasn't conscious enough to move out of the way, I knew i was being puked on but I couldn't move.
Why did I puke in my shower caddy last night
I stared at him for a solid five minutes because he looked like what I imagine god would look like if god was a lumberjack
when my phone is in portrait view you can just assume i've been watching porn. that's the only thing i want to see in full view.
Just fell off my bed trying to pose and take a nude for you. Probably broke my wrist
What type of condoms do you get ? Oh and do you want a slurpee while I'm here
for the record im never blowing a guy on the toilet again, that was sad and degrading
One public bathroom does not equal a wedding vow
Ordered a pizza stoned. The guy handed me my pizza and I tried to pay him by handing him back the pizza.
I find him attractive in the absolute weirdest way. Like I need him to do my taxes, but I also feel like I should spill things on him to gain his attention and then lick it off to gain his affection.
I'm not in bed, I'm driving and puking at the same time.... first for everything
She's nice. But even when I am with her I am thinking of her mom, literally the hottest woman on earth.
The strippers who live across the street set up a decently professional stage on their front balcony and a banner for a go fund me... I think we're gonna get a show.
Randomize
