I'm eating all of the evidence.
How long is the appropriate time period between a pregnancy scare and breaking up with my girlfriend?
"fuck a duck" is spelled out in chinese food on my counter... im kind of nervous to search the rest of my house......
Oh shit. The kids are pole dancing on a broom. It's like I'm seeing my future offspring before my eyes.
He told me he's not in to anal. I need to marry him, ASAP.
Your penis has nothing to do with my throat infection, sorry...
I'm convinced that college is the only place where one can have an existential crisis over what sweatpants to wear
Sex should always be followed by Chinese food in bed.
We're Scorpios. We're like dogs rolling in whatever smells good to us.
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
No. Way more drunk than the night I put a snowball in my purse "for later" and woke up to find everything soaking the next day.
But less drunk than the day that Pete took four of your birth control pills thinking they were Advil, right?
They forgot my ranch. They're dead to me.
Do you know how difficult it is to snap a good dick pic while driving?
Who in their right mind would frost a cake with their butt?
I just put together something from IKEA so that’s mandatory oral for a week.
Randomize
