I just spent $27 on things to pee on.
they need to just BURY HIM!
I just googled "semen solvent" and got nothing. there has to be something that will wash this shit off!
I see a marketing opportunity
i make up for being a shitty girlfriend by being amazing in bed.
after watching ten minutes of "the decision," I conclude that King Lebron has more influence on America than Barak Obama. I love our countries values.
It's amazing how many friends she makes simply by carrying that flask of whiskey everywhere she goes.
Oh shit. The hangover. It has taken 20 mins and 5 attempts to tie my shoelaces
Lets play a game called: how out of it are you today? Let me know if you can beat driving on the wrong side of the road twice and walking up two extra flights of stairs just because you weren't paying attention to what floor you are on....
Remember when you fed me goldfish while I was -inside- of someone?
I also slapped not one but two bananas on the ass, twerked in public, and I think I made out with someone
He has a British accent. He could read me the phone book and I would come so hard he would need a wizened old man in a rowboat to save him.
Random question, what's John-that-we-had-a-threesome-with's phone number? Don't necessarily need the full number, maybe just area code? Think I drunkenly ran into him last night and now I have texts from a John.
Dad smells like hangovers and 65 years of bitterness
was having sex but got distracted... he instragramed a pic of his crotch
I went next door to get a can opener from them. They opened the door shirtless, asked me if I wanted to a smoke a joint with them. Then decided to make blueberry smoothies. But the yogurt in the blender & the berries, got confused when the berries blended into the yogurt and just kept adding more. Only stopped when we ran out of berries.
Randomize
