Just asked what her favorite part of a guys body is. She said ballsack. I'm in love.
I just let someone steal something bc they were so fucking weird and wouldn't leave me alone
then you asked me to turn your jeans into "jorts" just long enough to cover your ballsack
You're pretty and everything..but you aren't worth the DUI
just bailed mom out of jail. Tell me i'm not the favorite child
The lack of pants and amount of productivity in my life right now is amazing.
THEY HAVE A VOMIT TROUGH.
What?
A TROUGH FOR VOMIT.
Yeah go get her. And don't bring her clothes I want her to walk back in her Christmas stocking dress. Take pictures.
He likes bondage and spanking and shit.
Oh, so "normal" kinky not "I wanna pee on people" kinky. I can handle that.
I feel like our lives always have been and always will be a never ending drunken rampage full of pregnancy scares and lost brain cells
She seems less like a roommate, and more like a homeless person who snuck into your apartment.
4 days in college, 3 frat parties. I haven't been this drunk since the unspeakable Jäger bomb incident in Sweden.
You must take up my position now. You must pass out in awkward places as I taught you... Sears a hotel elevator and Burger King bathroom. You potential for greater young grasshopper.
Got home & pissed on my moms carpet like a bear in the woods. I woke up to a picture message with me passed out on the floor with my pants down & hands covering my face. I've had an awkward week
woke up and you werent here...its ok if we're never going to speak again but my furry hand cuffs are missing and i would like them back. thanks.
Randomize
