im so horny i just used my electric toothbrush to masturbate. god help me
I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
the cops didnt even wait to start drinking the confiscated alchohol from the party
I like how washing the beer bong is now a regular part of washing the dishes.
he went down on me with a nose plug on, you tell me how it went
Code red. She won't talk to me. Maybe it has something to do with her raccoon eyes. Perry said there was a brief moment of towel fighting until you passed out. Did you draw the turtle on my ass?
Duuuuuuuude, I need you to sleep with my girlfriend so I can tell you both to move out
I remember you fighting a small man for the last of the pizza. Was there a midget in my house last night?
The best part of Easter was watching all his colorblind cousins try to find the eggs.
It's always great when the guy I get pills from sends me an email that says "I know you will get clean it's going to be hard but I know you can do it"
Cause I'll toss Tabasco sauce in his eyes and yell "Cobra attack" and walk away
in a meeting in my bathtub while predrinkin for tonight. technology.
YOU JUST GOT OUT OF THE HOSPITAL AND YOU'RE ALREADY DRINKING?!
THERES A BEAVER CHASING ME, ANGRY BEAVERS IS FUCKING REAL DUDE
My Mormon mother just found a butt-plug in our AirBnB closet.
Randomize
