we were pretty classy up until the second keg
hey sry I lost all my numbers who is this?
pat the guy you slept with
still need a last name
I can dream in two languages, but it's still about ripping a bong.
You kept asking her which dick pills worked the best. She's a grandmother.
DID YOU DO SOMETHING WITH THE DEAD ROACH IN THE KITCHEN? OR DID IT LAZARUS?
The compounded multi day delayed hangover hit me hard today, with a vengeance normally reserved for large objects that go in my ass. I don't feel good.
I peed sitting down because I knew standing was a lost cause
We're trying to make our wedding vows nice but meeting on OkCupid fucks that up entirely.
We need to stop going on dates to the strip club.
He's not very smart so he didn't know I was yelling at him with monologues from Scandal.
I just gave myself a foot massage. #SingleAsFuck
Harry Potter pub crawl tonight. You know you're living your life right when your check list for the evening is wizard robes, wand and acid.
Just threw up in a cup driving down the road because there was cop behind me and I didn't want to pull over. Not sure if winning or failing at life.
you ass-dialed me while you were fucking my ex.
that was on purpose.
I’m doing tequila shots with lesbians. This isn’t how I planned my night but I’m not complaining
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