I just woke up and found a naked man on my floor. Looks like Dad had a wild night of strip poker
And as you crawled into the bathroom last night you repeatedly said "I know the routine".
just took my ibuprofen with ramen broth, yay college
sometimes i think what itd be like to be a firework
I shouldn't have to thank you for taking off your captain hat off before we had sex
so do you, all the weight can't fall on me. I'll befriend a ball pit owner if you will befriend a drug dealer. teamwork.
I definitely paid for a case and a fifth and all I got was 6 beers and a crown and coke. Wtf. Bar math sucks
Yes. Be the home wrecker you've always dreamed of being.
High moment. Almost just passed the blunt to the dog.
Just blowing bubbles with my nipple rings in my shower.
You always make things weird.
They tried to dine n dash at dennys and the waiter jumped on their car and broke their windshield
I walked in on him fucking my best friend. I think we've reached the point of following each other on twitter.
Starting this Monday as I always do
With a desperate plea for help
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
The blonde cop looked at my license and told me I better have be home when her shift ends
I hate you
Randomize
