I just didn't expect you to be so naked....
The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
So I'm eating my burger minding my own business, when the guy next to me starts up a conversation. Seemed normal at first, stocks, bonds, etc...then he said...and I quote "I can push a bowling-ball up a flight of stairs with my tongue." As I awkwardly laughed he broke out "I bet you I could bite the head off of a rabbit."
my life is in even more shambles than last time, mcdonalds is closed
Well, I just hope you know I had your best interests at heart when I put your sandwich down my pants.
There is a 15" subwoofer mounted inside our fridge. I've never been more proud of myself.
I can't wait to hear about your drunken cab ride to planned parenthood at 2pm
Just for future reference, me asking if you're free, followed by a winking face is not my way of suggesting a tandem bike ride.
He's rescued me passed out naked on the playground next door and I've rescued him passed out naked in the middle of campus. That's why we're a great couple.
Oh you know..Chillin with your dad.
With a fannypack full of drugs.
Hey do you eat chocolate chip pancakes with bacon in?
DO NOT MAIL ME A PANCAKE
I just plagiarized Dr. Curtis Connor's ideology from Spider-man in an essay on genetically engineered embryos. College: academic integrity at its finest.
Hungover playing piano at a baptism I am the PICTURE of class I feel like I should be struck by lightning
Meanwhile I'm googling glory holes in Vegas
So I have now fucked both my roommates...This is why I can’t live with men.
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