Alright folks.. i have made history - I just hit my 2nd PARKED car SOBER withing 6 months.. :*( wtf?!
You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
she told me she sucks everyone's dick but mine because mine is too big and "hard to suck" i need to reevaluate the girls i fall in love with.
I've never heard a "this is the reason why i dont suck your cock" explanation go in that direction
So..I walked into his bathroom and found a bong and a blender in the shower.....normal?
My mom just told me to make sure my face isn't on the front cover of the newspaper on 4/21. Challenge accepted
This whole bra on the outside of my shirt thing is so convenient. It turns my shirt into a pocket to eat Fritos out of. Mmm boobies
I was more obsessed with the sweat stain on her back that was simultaneously shaped like a vagina and the virgin Mary.
I couldn't finish the episode and had to lay down because the snapple commercial with the mustache was blowing my mind
Riddle me this: I can stream porn just fine but try and watch my college class and nooo it won't work
Be there in 4 minutes
Make a note to pack something that won't catch shell casings in your cleavage
I feel kind of like we’re in a gang and tonight is one of those “people are gonna know not to fuck with us” type of nights. And then tomorrow I am going to learn to pole dance. I’m not really sure how I got to this point in my life… but I like it.
You kept running around yelling "I need my pajamas" & then you got naked. Shit just went downhill from there.
My books smell like weed. What does that tell you about my college experience?
Thumbs up
I just spent 45 minutes and a really well-put together Power Point trying to convince her to use my dog as baby Jesus in her church's play.
dude i told her that I loved her...and she said, " go fuck yourself"
Randomize
