you only like me because i go down faster than a bridge in minnesota
so howd the 'mom i only play with condoms' conversation go?
Oh no. He has the "I'm 30 years old and I just shit myself in public" face.
Just barfed in my hand. Needless to say, this day is off to a great start
a hangover this bad deserves a feeding tube
The difference between what I would do for a regular Klondike bar and an Oreo flavored Klondike bar is astounding
nothing says roomie bonding better than a sunday shroom trip.
How interesting! I'm adding this to my list of things to discuss with you between fucks.
Scary truckers and hobos. These are the men I attract
I wanted to make out with that blonde just so I could deck her boyfriend and make things interesting.
At least that would be something.
i would never take his side over yours. you coulda gotten knocked up from another dude and i'd be right there next to you blaming it on him saying some shit like "his sperm were just too sub par for you" or "shoulda had a bigger penis"
Text me later if you aren't dead and wanna have a drink later
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
i'd like to schedule a penis for 4pm please.
I just thought I should tell you that I always know what you are doing. Everywhere. Every time. -Your loving Mother
Randomize
