He asked me how my body knew that a month was up when it was time for my period.
The online application for Mcdonald's said I could do incredible things there. Today I threw out shit filled underwear in the women's restroom and escorted a very drunk/high 42 year old man outside after he ordered a 5 dollar foot long and a bloody mary.
Dude. She told me she felt bad for not giving me more blojobs. HOW COULD THAT HAVE GONE BETTER?
Sharon took in a random bleeding stranger drunker than her, named her Nicole, and is feeding her jello shots on the toilet
Ya, because touching his brother's face for 20 minutes in front of him wasn't bad enough, I also threw up in his garden and stole like 10 of his shirts before I left. But I fed his dog, so it's okay.
We love you just as you are but we might love you more if we didn't have to post bail so often...
I just found a video of you asking to be a whale with me.
Also, no joke, I think that raccoon hair is still in my eye from last night.
Whoever put salsa in the kiddie pool.....your an ass. Fuck you.
That moment when your whole family facetimed you just moments before you threw up all over the entire living room
Mom called last night while I was at the bar and asked where I was. I told her I was on the highway to the danger zone while the guys were humming the top gun theme.
In two separate occurrences, I could have avoided getting my heart broken, and chlamydia, all with a left swipe.
My favorite part of you downing a fifth of fireball in my apartment by yourself is the shot glass in the sink. It's like you attempted moderation and were just like "Fuck this."
I'm going to give you the best blowjob of your life. And yes you can use my mom's printer.
sorry for running off in the middle of that heart to heart. free food.
Randomize
