Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
is it wrong that I want a "Where The Wild Things Are" tshirt that points to my junk?
He kept referring to his penis a his "love gun"
woke up on my stairs with half a hot dog beside me and the last text I sent was "i make hot dog in toasTer" .
I think being a buddhist has made me a better drunk
Goats are brash and offensive and cocky animals
Are you high and at a petting zoo again?
I got to explain to the guys at work today how i had no choice but to go to a gay bar because I was handcuffed to a lesbian.
She's working this semester. Her dad saw he was listed as 'the atm' on her phone and cut off tuition for three months.
Martha Stewart has had a one night stand and is unsure if she's had a threesome. I no longer feel slutty.
When he couldn't get it up, he handed me a beer, put his clothes back on, and said "try again tomorrow."
We have an albino peacock in our apartment. It's beautiful.
Scratch it being beautiful, bitch just stole my McDonalds. Call animal control.
I got snowed in at my parent's. everyone's asleep so I'm smoking a joint in my old room and watching Tarzan on a 12" tv.
They must be so glad to have you home...
You kept licking me last night.... and said I tasted like jello. Next time, lay off the jello shots, okay?
He took home that trashy slut from Bama but a NFL Lineman was just in my DMs so... who’s the real winner here
You some how ended up sleeping on one of the beams that run along the ceiling of your house
Randomize
