The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
maybe touching the ground while going 70 wasn't such a great idea after all..
So I just did the walk of shame at dunkin... A lady told me me I was really dressed up and I told her I was going to a luncheon.
Your mom has a birthmark right next to her nipple
Girl just texted me a pic of her boobs with the caption "don't think I'm a whore"
Woke up with an epic boner today, the kind where you can spin books and shit on it. FYI: don't try spinning an encyclopedia
I swear if his heart was half the size of the cum stains he's left on my sheets we would have the perfect relationship
I drank myself into bisexuality again.
I'm sick of being broke. I had vicodin and frosting for lunch.
Seriously you have a sixth sense. You woke up out of a nap to tell us all to check the clock and it was 4:18. You're like the spiderman of smoking weed.
C'mon. I'm still an alcoholic at heart, regardless of its broken or not
I have chafed skin from the handy she gave me. I told her that and she said return the favor when it heals. I'm in love.
Ugh. I just found a cum stain on my mermaid pants. Now I can't return them.
Ya know what's the worst? Being drunk and wanting to show someone a picture of your goddaughter but not wanting to open the pictures on your phone because the first one is of someone's dick..
You tried to chase every shot with a blueberry.
Randomize
