I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
Wow, So this kid just walked into class, yak'd on his lab partner then runs out. Class is now cancelled. I gotta find this kid and Thank him.
We were squawking at each other for over an hour like chickens. Literally. Never touching the stuff again and never again showing my face at that Denny's.
You crawled everywhere and rolled in ice cream. No more vodka for a month.
Naked Twister starts at high noon
Sitting on the curb by new england comics with a weeping drunk girl who's eating french fries saying she'll never be as successful as her sister the hand model. She's scaring the nerds.
i swear, you were born with a blunt in one hand and somebody else's wallet in the other.
I'm about to fuck a girl in an old school Tony Kukoc Bulls jersey. About to earn my third championship ring in sex
I found all these half eaten mandarin orange on the ground and the bruises on my neck are definetely not hickies
The security deposit's gone, let's trash this motherfucker
Look. When I let you cum on my tits don't fuck it all up by going "SKEET SKEET SKEET" it just pisses me off.
I think the reason she hasn't text me back is because I spanked her ass with Hulk Hands
idk i just feel really unsatisfied. like something's missing from my life... maybe it's chicken nuggets...
I did wake up to a random meat and cheese plate next to my bed, that was a thrill.
On a brief change if topic, last night I dreamt I got shit faced with bill Nye the science guy and we went bar to bar and explained the science of alcohol to everyone who'd give us free drinks. We wore bow ties
Randomize
