There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
if i get an abortion, then will you go out with me?
Now that the fun of having an iPhone has worn off I find that using screen as a coke tray is by far my favorite app
YOU CAN RENT MIDGETS ON CRAIGS LIST
I told you not to ruin your birthday surprise!
I still think it's messed up that you're naming your kids after all the guys you slept with in college
I'm handcuffed to the toilet. Don't ask
Walked in on my boss having phone sex at work... and somehow this didnt bother nor embaress him
yeah, but the first step is admitting you have a problem, the next step is kidnapping him
I'm sorry but if you can't drink a bottle of wine without a glass, I do not think we can be friends.
I spent half an hour sculpting my pubes into a perfect triangle of really short hair, and the first thing he said when he saw it was "Don't you think you need a shave?"
I have no clue how you survived last night but I applaud you. 21 body shots off 9 bodies in under four hours has to be a record.
Just reached for my phone in my non existant pocket while it was in my hand.
I'm eating chicken wings naked and hungover at 10am... Happy bday to me
MASS TEXT: Next weekend I will be in town for St. Patty's day. There will be a bonfire and liqour olympics. We will have booze but in order to participate it is byob. Upon arrival everyone will be asked to sign a waiver. I am not responsible for liver failure, death, loss of clothing or memory, bites, scratches, hickies, pregnancies, or any other for of injury you may obtain while participating. There will be ridiculous amounts of green glitter, be prepared to puke it up. ALSO WEAR SOMETHING GREEN OR YOU WILL BE PENALIZED!! AUTOMATIC 5 SHOTS. HAPPY GAMING!!!
I hate when he takes the condom off to cum all over me. It defeats the purpose.
It’s like having a barf bag and choosing to puke in your own lap.
Randomize
