I kept telling myself all night that it was completely okay for me to lose all sense of my morals because it was my birthday.
Its only tuesday and I need a dd home from work. This is getting too easy.
When I look at old family photos I know how jessica simpson feels when she watches dukes of hazzard
I woke up to him drunk-t-bagging me, saying "huevos rancheros" were being served for breakfast.
I had to have my mom pick me up from the party and the windows lock was on so when I went to projectile vomit out the window it wouldn't roll down and it splashed back at my face.
Sober me admires drunk me's enthusiasm, but there is no way I'm going to make it out there today.
Lol drunk you is so full ideas and happy. Sober you is full of grumpy reality.
Good night I hope you dream about knitting and threesomes
She throws back shots like they are NO-THING. I swear, she goes through like five straight tequila shots, does a jello shot, chases with half a hot dog, has a rum and coke, and then takes her shirt off and makes an impromptu bandage out of it for fuckin' Tim who cut himself on the flagpole. I'm going to marry her.
I may or may not have hooked up with the cop who arrested me.. Or I can cross hooking up with a stripper in a cop outfit off my bucket list.
I just want to slap everyone in the face that's happy being sober. Loser.
That moment when a stripper is the one that makes the two of you have to define the status of your relationship...
Damn Instagram explore page. I am six months in to some girl I don't even know.
Foreplay went from me being a bank teller and him a customer to us actually having to go to the bank so we would make rent
I've peed in two sinks in the past two weeks. No one should be able to say that.
guess who smoked weed with their grandpa tonight. and no it wasn't me.
Randomize
