I just got called an ass for saying no thanks to a Greenpeace solicitor. I don't want the whales to die but I do want Greenpeace to fail. Conundrum.
The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
it was like a zeppelin in a condom
Woke up this morning on my doorstep in a basket with a branch, a lipstick lightning bolt on my head and a sign that said "the boy who lived." i love you guys.
They are fixing my bike for free, trying to smoke me out, and their kids keep hugging me.
So last night I taught an old homeless dude to respond to "Blue" so I could shout your my boy Blue at the party
Yup. Can I borrow your penis decanter for my Xmas party on Saturday
I'm about to punish you for sending me a Snapchat of your boyfriend's morning wood
female sloths literally scream when they want sex and can be heard up to 700 meters away
i think i might be a female sloth
Can rosie odonnell just not be a lesbian? Shes stressing me out, knowing we bat for the same team.
I have so many plans for this weekend and sobriety is not invited.
After a while I was so wet that I started crying. HE MADE ME SO HORNY I WEPT.
He said he'd prefer a photo rather than discuss politics, I sent him a snapchat "conservative shorts 4 conservative man". He said "be liberal"
I feel like sleeping with foreign people is a long term investment. It's like a time share. Now when I go to London I have a place to stay.
Money making scheme, blow job proof mascara. Waterproof is bullshit
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