i have a new swear word: supercalifuckaliciousexpialadamnit
He just washed his hands with scrubbing bubbles yelling "They work hard so I don't have to!"
Still trying to wash and scratch the glitter off of my dick. That stripper should be banned.
Going to the market. I need some nachos and a serious re-evalution of my life.
I don't think we had sex because when I woke up he was still wearing the chicken suit.
I vaguely remember Matt shouting something about "GET ON MY LEVEL!" at the bartender before he attempted to order a case of tequila from him.
A girl just asked me if we had pregnancy tests and a coworker had to stop me from telling her I was a pregnancy test. THAT is why I don't drink at work.
Drinking and pointing where stuff needs to go is hard stuff.
An old man just slapped my ass and handed me five dollars while I was filling chips at subway. I feel violated, but that was the easiest five dollars I've ever made.
I solemnly swear I will not get your boyfriend puke in public drunk again
i have achieved a new state of being which requires no food or water but is sustained only by coffee and pure, unrelenting rage
My cat just tried to lay on my stomach while I was masturbating. And I let her because I am so starved for affection.
When is the right time to ask your new roommate for her school schedule so she doesn't walk in on you fucking some rando in the kitchen in the middle of the afternoon?
Btw I'm playing passed out so you can get laid but obviously you need to take the offense just ask him if he wants to go to bed and leave a cigg on the counter
Hey Girl, we got home safe!
I know, I drove you
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