How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
dude i was like still drunk, taking pictures of her while she was naked and asleep and she woke up
haha what'd she say
i don't know man, something about us dating. but i never talked to her sober so i said i was making breakfast and snuck out of her house. close calls man WTF
Who would have sex with her? She looks like she shops at baby gap
And surprisingly enough iPhone does not have an app for Russian mail order brides.
I vomited in the sink and my bra was in there...I don't even have words to describe this hangover confusion
There was just way too much discussion about my penis at that party
i told him i was allergic to semen. he pulled out an epipen.
So I bring Danny back to the apartment for the first time and my roommate is curled up in the beanbag in the middle of the floor, wearing nothing but her uggs, high out of her mind and watching Harry potter... She offered us kettle corn.
He asked if he could come over tomorrow....
I've taken a shot every five minutes for the past twenty. His valentines cupcakes are going to be a fucking delicious vodka induced mess. Thinking about putting vodka in this next batch. I'm the best girlfriend.
It's called the dick transitive property. It states if you touch a person whilst they touch a dick, you are also touching said dick.
so "excuse the stench" wasn't the correct thing to say when your boyfriend's parents walk in on you shitting. Live and learn
when I called the strip club they said there was a note with my credit card. "girl who punched guy in throat" fuck daytona
Talking to a customer about getting high and staring at glow in the dark wheels while there is a cop in the store. Just another day in Tampa
Yeah last night got weird fast. No lie, a kid pulled a butt-plug with a tail out of his ass.
Only thing that feels right is being horizontal in the fetal position
Randomize
