you made cement angels. it was a great sight.
like literally i think i'm sweating out semen right now
her cat was choking so she kept trying to stick her finger in her cat's mouth while saying "it's okay kitty, just do what mommy does"
Found my smoke alarm in a ziploc in my toilet...again
You pulled me aside and handed me a plastic childrens' tea cup full of 151 and said "trust me its a great idea"
How dare you question the sanctity of Chocolate-and-Porn day
I woke up with my vibrator in my bed so I'm assuming I had a decent night.
I'm so hungover I can't taste anything
Do not ever get that redhead chem major high. Gave her a magic brownie and she sat in a corner and literally cried about organic chem. Never again.
Basically one minute I'm sucking on her nipples and then 45 mins later we're at work and she's my boss.
Why was I lying under a truck last night?
The highlight of the trip was definitely my dad telling me that I "used to be his prettiest daughter."
I thought if I bought the most expensive pregnancy test I would look like I had my life together
I was told today that I'm the ugliest bartender in the area, so, I guess I have that going for me.
It true. It written in the Bible.
Yes I remember that, right next to the passage where jesus said unto his disciples, pop molly, fuck bitches amen
Randomize
