saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
No gym. Sooooo hung over. Just puked up the water I drank and it still has ice cubes in it.
I BIT YOU IN THE DINING ROOM. I bit you and you crunched
Not sorry that my walk of shame this morning was barefoot on my scooter.
Not even joking, someone broke into the house to watch porn. The cops are on the way.
I told a 250 pound football player I would catch him if he jumped into my arms. And that is how I broke my wrist
Jungle juice turns everything into a pickup line. All I said was "do you play chess" and somehow I got laid.
He stopped his car in the middle of ongoing traffic to ask me to marry him. Then he got pulled over. Yeah I'd say the slutty Dallas Cowboys costume was a success.
Your hotness may or may not have landed him in jail.
i need to put some appletini on your dick
You mowed a straight line through three yards because you were, and I fucking quote, "In the zone." I think they know.
I thought I would be a proper lady and put my spare panties in a ziplock
like, you weren't just lying there, you were wrapped in what appeared to be the skin of a wolf, chanting doomsday prophecies
THE END IS NEIGH
are you still up? I want to use you for sexual things. you have 35 minutes to respond to this offer.
Its that time in the evening when I've had a few cocktails and wish you'd make a video about the packers and Jack Daniels.
I think my roomie is silently judging me for spraining my foot by having sex in a bounce house
so the bounce house and tequila was good idea then?
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