I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
BEES IN MY FUCKING PANTS. HELP.
You were so drunk last night you typed www.face.come/cheese.com as if you were logging into facebook.
no... you woke up naked next to the toilet because you said your outfit was too cute to throw up in
1. I feel like Jello 2. The girl i hooked up with last night isn't here and a different girl is lying next to me. 3. I have no clothes on 4. Can guys go on walks of shame?
i need to find a birthday card for her that tells her how happy i am that i can now legally bang her
i can't believe you were mixing vodka with green tea last night and enjoying it.
i should bottle and sell it. my slogan could be "green tea vodka. antioxidating while intoxiacting. your liver will thank you. "
if i can hear my landlord's phone ring you think be can hear my vibrator?
The Universe is CLEARLY playing a bad joke on your sex life
He's probably the biggest I've seen outside of the porn I vehemently deny watching and he asks if I think he's too small
There they were doing the deed on the beach, looked like two seagulls fighting over a chicken bone.
I believe you can. But if you can have rum with breakfast then do that. Definitely do that.
I was grinding on my boss last night. So Monday will be fun. That's what's going on in my life right now.
Do you lock your house? Serious question, I need to know if I can add it to my list of emergency poop stops
i shit you not. the flight is delayed because they have to change fucking light bulb. all the airport bars are closed and my shit is in checked luggage.
Randomize
