I'll be waiting for you under the stairs with peanut butter and tequila ... Don't tell the neighbors
we made margaritas with slurpies from 7-11 and beer.
Brutally Honest is my real middle name, Princess just sounds better.
Just headbutted a photographer. This convention just got really interesting.
Pounded a bottle of Moscato in my underwear while watching Pretty Little Liars...am I really gonna be 30 next year?
You ran through a field yelling "I'm frolicking! I'm frolicking!" Then fell on your face. How is your nose today, doll?
I just had the most intense bikini wax of my life, i felt like i needed guardrails
The sad part is I didn't even want to get laid. I just wanted the emotional connection, but my vagina was screaming "TOUCH ME. TOUCH ME RIGHT NOW BECAUSE MY DADDY ISSUES ARE MUCH DEEPER THAN MY EMOTIONAL NEEDS!" Vodka has a way of getting me out of my emotions and gets me fucked every time.
Wednesday is good, I needed the head count for the orgy, caroling can happen with as few as 2 people. There will be a pinata.
For the caroling or the orgy?
Dude...I slept walked to the free condom bin in the lounge last night. I don't know why.
At least I know that however bad my life gets and how low I can feel I'll never feel shitting in a red robin parking lot low
There's a guy running dressed as a bunny toward your house.
They're giving you narcotics aren't they?
If I offered to share would you come visit me?
my dad just liked my status about my bowl being stolen even he feels my pain
I know I'm drunk but why am I receiving this handjob through the pant leg of my shorts..?
Randomize
