Omfg I am plowed. Had drinks with 3 milfs. Going out on their boat tomorrow. They want to show me how buoyant they are.
well that was a long night...
dude, you were pretty messed up... what happened?
no idea... but i still woke up with my pirate hat on
I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
Every now and then I'll talk to a creeper for an extended amount of time. Randy, for instance, funded our entire night of horrible decisions.
There is a half eaten corn dog and soy sauce on the counter... WTF did you eat last night??
Stoned ambition #8. Must learn sign language.
No. I do not want to discuss your lesbian tendencies with my sister.
She still started it.
He whinnies like a horse when he's cumming. I wish I would have known this before we got into a relationship.
He is so amazingly handsome. I just wanna fuck every shred of decency out of him.
I got eye-fucked by an 80 year old man wearing a cowboy hat while I was singing country. How do you think karaoke went?
he came in the room wearing gloves & rapping while eating a corndog
knight in shining armor
I called you a cum goblin in my voicemail. I stand by it.
I found where he bartends and I guarantee you that in approximately nine months from this Friday, you will have a niece
Well, I could just slap my dick to my phone and see what it says
Randomize
