How do u explain cocaine to a 9 year old?
she told me i tasted like america
its really sad that i have to specifically make this a rule but, absolutely no lighting smoke bombs indoors at my birthday party.
Ever have those mornings where you just can't wait to puke in the shower?
I offered to buy ihop waffles for all the homeless people outside the metro. It was time to go to bed.
Umm, ya, half our class is sitting in starbucks passing around flasks. Yes, flasks. Plural. Going to join them, we're all giving oral presentations in 20. Go hard or go home.
Pretty sure that's a used tampon hanging from the tree outside my window.
Just saw you in traffic. You may have noticed me, I was the corpse driving the white car.
I was about to attempt a citizen's arrest on my RA
Oh you know, the usual. We had a good date, I took her back home, she took off my pants, laughed, and left.
I smoked my last bong as the sun rose. It was magical.
He said that he had extra crunchy taquitos and wanted to go down on me.. I mean how could I say no?
If I don't singlehandedly make your gf realize she needs to straighten the fuck up or ruin your relationship before I leave I have failed you as a friend.
How to not get laid: tell him he reminds you of your brother. While having sex. Thanks, vodka.
You're a wizard. You are a master of disguise. You are beautiful. I love you.
Randomize
