I would kick you in the vagina but I'm afraid I would lose my shoe.
I was so hungover I threw up on her when she answered the door. i don't think it was a good first impression
The more my room-mate speaks, the more I notice that she was home schooled.
The last thing I remember was talking about the economic viability of cock ring manufacturing... we had some good ideas
I seriously might throw up right now. In class. Sunglasses on. I'm getting too old for this.
got extra credit for showing up to class before a holiday. it hit me 5 minutes later that she meant easter....
Why i have shady connections. Owner just txt me asking to come by and judge the new stripper.
How are ur friends?
One is peeing in the grass and the other is asleep under the stairs. Fuck them I'm sleeping in the car
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
Didn't want you to think it had been open season on my vagina since we broke up.
You think you know everything because you're wearing a sweater
I can't wait to see you again...not a euphemism, just really looking forward to seeing you. Wanting to fuck you as often as possible just seems implied at this point.
Apparently I took a selfie with fried chicken at 2 am....I'm still trying to figure out where I got the chicken. I thought I was making mac & cheese.
He better be a good lay, these underwear cost $50.
I like shiny stuff tho if that’s an emotion
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