I woke up in a strange girl's bed and rifled through her mail to get her name.
you woke up, pulled a beer bottle out of your pants..took a drink and went back to sleep.
You made me wash my hair in the kitchen sink while eating bay leaves
He came over while I was in the ER and hung pictures of himself around my house.
I'm sober enough to question why I have your name as "the wolverine" in my phone.
I'm going to make an art book filled with pics of me peeing in every bar bathroom I've ever been in. Dedicating it to you. You're welcome.
I can't stream porn because Xbox live is taking all the Internet. I thought having a male roommate would make life easier.
the cab driver asked if you were our mom. you definitely shouldn't have tipped him so much.
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
also, made a drinking game out of my birthday photos....drink everytime alcohol is in a photo. going through all 350 of them.
And I just want to be like your tongue is not a FUCKING sword
But now I'm just thinking when he said he "worked for the airline" he actually meant drug smuggling.
I knew there was a problem when things got heated and instead of rushing home I offered to get bagels instead
He called his dick "The Beast" and said he lived "The Beast Life". He was pretty but it was better if he didn't talk.
...hi
YOU SHOULD BE ASHAMED OF YOURSELF
Ok cool I was afraid you'd never speak to me again. I can work with this.
Randomize
