you got kicked out last night because right after you said "whats up?" to us, you downed your whole vodka ton and threw it across the bar.
went for icecream. accidentally deepthroated it. my mom gave me a dirty look, but the kid behind the counter looked impressed
does it count as cheating if I'm bettering him for his girlfriend?
Kegger tonight. 10pm. $5 coverfor unlimited booze. Proceeds benefit nuns from Uganda. Bring friends. No shit.
As the guy I'm having sex with on the side I shouldn't ask you how to dump my boyfriend. But you are the most emotionally detached person I know.
Honey, I don't care how "classic you" this is. It's not gonna matter if we can't find you in the morning.
It's called the eyeliner-blowjob correlation, read a science book bro
the fact that i already established a hook up buddy for thanksgiving break is genius
Yep if he's taking selfies he's probably on drugs again.
Sorry for the milk in the bathroom. I was washing mace out of the one security guys eyes
he can get married early and ruin his life but he sure as hell isn't ruining mine with a shitty bachelor party
You are the only person I know who has a fierce hatred for a five year old. Not even five year olds in general, yours is very specific
don't give me stepladders when i'm stoned.. i woke up to a slice of balogna nailed to the ceiling
dont know if she was trying to start a lawnmower or jerk me off. still wasnt to bad though
Dude. $3 Jack n Cokes AND Cheesesticks... Find me tomorrow plz
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