can't come. weird drunk guy passed out on couch. long story, tell u later.
wtf. wake him up, call him a cab, get over here!
i just want to make sure he doesn't die. or rob me. plus it's facinating, he's faceplant on the arm of my sofa.
It only happened twice. Once we used extra virgin olive oil and once I used saliva and brute force.
I think I have swimmer's ear. From his tongue.
good news. it is gonna rain tomorrow so now I don't have to pay to clean the puke off the side of your car.
All I know is I had a penis in one hand a bottle of wine in the other
Way to high for badminton right now. This is gonna be a shitshow.
I am listening to lecture and I can hear us in the background talking about anal beads.
We need large glitter to throw at people to signify our mystic nature
Fuck their feelings and their drinks they will get hit with sparkly confetti
i'm almost positive she was a dude but like it doesn't even matter
re read what you just said
Mom chose Thanksgiving to tell me the reason I am here is because she was too tired to give my dad a BJ and too drunk to make him pull out.
That money I left you should go to the stripper that fell asleep in your bed. Sorry
Shut the fuck up. It's not the end of the world. Now come get your asshole bleached with me or we're not roommates anymore.
Went home with a dude from UF last night. Just dripped chicken onto my phone and then licked it off. Going to pick up a bridesmaid dress. Mid 20s in a nutshell.
She's in labor and I'm doing shots. Whose the real winner here?
You're moving up the public shitting ladder
Randomize
