it felt like a thousand fairies were licking my balls.
is it bad that I didn't wash the cum out of my hair because it keeps my curls intact?
If you try to operate on me with a Bic pen and vodka, I'm never talking to you again
There were midgets. And vodka. If you don't appreciate the awesomeness of that sentence, read it again.
She was a little hefty, so I turned on the strobe light in our room. Everything looks better with a strobe light.
He had a tramp stamp of his own phone number. You can't tell me that isn't smart.
Idk, you were a drunk pirate that kept stealing pieces of people's costumes to keep as your booty.
That would explain all the random shit in my room...
I feel like I deserve an award for facing my fear of penises in my face.
BECAUSE THIS IS AMERICA AND DONUTS AND TITTIES AND ALCOHOL IS WHAT THIS COUNTRY WAS FOUNDED ON
the amount I squirted last night was insane. Im glad i ignored tlc's advice, i went chasing waterfalls and loved every god damn minute of it.
2:34, make a wish! I wish I wasn't on acid at Planned Parenthood. What's yours?
She called to tell me she just hooked up with my crush...and that he talked about me...not sure if I should be pissed or excited?
I think I should've done my makeup before I took the acid. Because now I just feel silly looking at myself in the mirror
I'm going to force her to break up with me this week. Tonight I plan to shit the bed. If that doesn't work I'm not sure what's next.
Lesson Learned: It's not a party until someone pisses their pants.
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