Yea, forget your mom. She will be home after her one night stand.
it's not the walk of shame if you do it in cowboy boots.
No - a douche bag is not a fashion accessory. They do not make Gucci Douchebags
There needs to be a newsfeed for phones... A list of all my drunken calls, texts, BBMs, new contacts, pictures sent AND received, all in chronological order.
i woke up in the fire place with a lighter in my hand. if i would have died the night would have made up for it.
Your dad just texted me? He said I needed to holler at him when I get up tomorrow. I honestly thought you had somehow gone to jail.
She was purple for Halloween. She literally spray-painted herself purple and called it a costume. It won't come off.
A valentines day commercial would come on while I'm masturbating...
There would be some who claim I got a little "carried away" or that we "probably don't need that many jello shots". They would be wrong.
I am thankful for thumbs.
Because without thumbs, we would be dolphins.
Land dolphins.
Stripping out of my teacher clothes to Talk Dirty to Me. Who let me become a teacher?
Is it weird to wish your favorite hooker "happy thanksgiving"?
And at the semi-adult age of 25 I have shit my pants. Not even drunk, just really late to work. Is this real life?
My bail money is reserved for people I either A, think were in the right, or B, have an awesome story that leads up to needing it. Just remember that before you call me.
I just realized that this is the first time I've ever seen your mom without sucking your cock.
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