Picture the opening band right now: euro, beer guts, one member in oversized hipster lumberjack apparel, the other in childsized american apparel and shorts. Singing in german.
I am doing a scientific study and i need a brief description of the underpants you are wearing
Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
how do chicks with those acryllic nails wipe their anuses?
Sleeping with two different guys who share a driveway is getting increasingly challenging to keep secret
I miss you more than I would miss junk food if I went on a diet. And you've seen me eat, you know how desperate I'd be.
Oh my god. I slept with my boyfriend last night. It was wonderful.
And when I say my boyfriend I mean my electric blanket. Because that's the kind of life I lead.
I really like your cover photo on fb that looks cool
In case birth mom friends me back, thought I should make it less drunk looking.
I met a pornstar at his bachelor party and signed his shirt giving him wedding advice
We had sex in his hot tub. Then we saved a mouse that almost drown in his pool. We celebrated our heroism with more sex.
It's like an adderall Houdini. Right when you think you have a deal he disappears
The part where he comes over and ignores you isn't what makes me mad about that story... It's the fact that he ate your tacos, AND THEN proceeded to ignore you. That's cold hearted.
Afterwards the first thing I said was, "You know, you're probably the first guy who has ever gotten laid wearing Star Wars pajama bottoms."
You invited these random guys into your apartment that you met in the hallway...& then you started screaming at them to get out cause you didn't know who they were.
One lesson I've learned so far from college: You've always got time for one more shot. Always
Randomize
