i just walked outside for a cigarette and three men walked by in glitter heels and gold shiny thongs. god i love chicago
when im not freaking out about dying alone and unloved, i actually really enjoy being single
he was CRYING into my vagina
If a man's penis is referred to as "the family jewels" does that make a woman's vagina a jewelry box?
tell that swedish kid i didnt take his shotgun. he GAVE it to me.
I woke up in a place I've never been before, with people I've never met before using me as a table for domino's.
we're tailgating intramural basketball with hard drugs and tequila...and i think the players are taking shrooms
It was beyond pathetic. You yelled her name at every blonde chick we saw hoping it would be her. Then you puked your corn dog
I think im gonna bang this 35 year old at a kids birthday party in the bathroom at this house while the kids open the presents.
Take in how we used all the shot glasses in the bar in less than an hour
I totally accidentally said "we don't go around hammering girls in the rear" in front of 132 5th graders today.
I got laughed at by a homeless guy in a Daniel Boone hat. I have no clue what this means for my day
I mean, except for the part where I was vomiting up pineapple and hot sauce, it was a really fun time.
I think the cashier could tell I was sad. All I bought was penis shaped food and chocolate
I woke up an hour ago with orange fingers and a condom stuck to my head.. Wtf just happened?
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