why didn't you poke me back
when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
I swear it's like I have a jerk off quota I have to meet each week. If I miss three days I have a wet dream and it's like a wasted jizz, and it gets everywhereeeeeee.
It's not that drunk me is smarter; it's that sober me is secretly playing for the other team.
the game I always play with drunk me is can-you-button-and-unbutton things? If the answer is no, go home. Usually it's his pants
The bad decision stars are too close to aligning to risk this tonight.
all i could think about while he was eating me out was how pretty his eyelashes were
Almost bit the guy's hand who sits in front of me because he was stretching. That. Bored.
holy fuck man...it feels like I got beat the fuck out of by death's baseball bat...chimichangas?
There's a girl in class eating a pumpkin pie. Like a whole pie straight from the pan with a fork.
You're an independent woman who is defined by her own actions and not by whether or not you have a man. You also have great tits.
It was like the icing on a beautiful fuck boy cake.
Dude, I got drunk and sexted his little sister by accident
They sent him a photo of me smoking a bong whilst wearing the dinosaur head. I think that's the last we hear of his nonsmoking fitness freak ass 🤷🏼♀️
Kids music just accidentally came on at this party. I didn't know how many stoners were here until they all sang along.
Randomize
