You screamed, "I am going to fuck this cheeseburger". They all started laughing until you actually started having sex with the cheeseburger.
Just saw the true definition of the muffin top and camel toe all on one person at the DC zoo... Tried to take a pic but she got away..
Turning 21 on Saint Patty's day. I like to think this is what my alcoholic ancestors have prepared me for
Got kicked out of the baseball game with a 4 officer escort. Not bad for a monday night.
Like some sort of pot growing robin hood.
He ran into the room yelling "attack! Attack!", jumped on top of me on the air mattress, popped the air mattress, and then we had victory sex, because he was proud of popping it.
The ranger made you choose between a ticket and pouring all the beer out since it was a state park.
I've never seen you that close to tears as you poured out 30 beers.
Do you remember ripping my condom off last night while yelling "I DEMAND MY MEAT RAW" like a Viking?
And you said I'm not athletic, I rubbed one out with my sports band on, it's the same as walking 1/4 mile.
I GOT THE PAPER IN AT 11:58
EAT MY ENTIRE ASS COM 101
It's 1am and I'm on LSD and I have diarrhea in a Dunkin Donuts. Help me
Do you remember whose house we're in?
That awkward moment when you're drunk enough to crave cocaine, but you're sober enough to know it's only Tuesday.
Just ate 2 pieces of pizza in the shower.. New low or fuckin brilliant??
He updated Facebook... "Got a new phone today." WHAT ABOUT THE FUCKING KID YOU HAD?!
Randomize
