update: the house isnt on fire anymore, but he is still pissing on all your stuff.
the house was on fire??
shit I thought I told you.
Taking my final with a coffee mug full of keystone... best semester ever.
she left out the fact that she had a kid until she told me not to suck on her tits too hard or milk would come out.
at what point did putting a bag of doritos in the freezer seem like a really good idea?
I have to have sex with him again. I feel like I need to train him so no other girl experiences that bad of sex.
I think we need a list of things that are automatic NO's for dating a guy. Married, definitely a no now
the manischevitz sangria was a big hit
Roommate is hosting a 'sorority retreat' at our house. If you need to get laid, stumble on over.
Jesus christ. I put you on speaker when you called me last night and you told me to brush my teeth with a dick.
you called me drunk last night to talk about summoning sex demons with magic WTF
Bitch are you kidding? 2016 is gonna be the year our pussies run for president
She's eating hot cheetos out of the bag with chopsticks, Matt, how is she NOT my soulmate?
On a scale of one to Harambe, how attached were you to your goldfish?
I knew I wanted to marry her when we got in that bar fight and she full-nelsoned a guy while I worked his kidneys. I knew then we had to breed
and eventually we just all took our pants off
Randomize
