no, i swear. she uses a huge jagermeister flag as a sheet on her bed.
Its so hard looking at my mom and pretending I'm not dying a slow death of binge drinking
Just sneezed out a half gram of coke into a tissue. Four hours after the fact. The bender continues.
So as I left the Australian's hotel room, I said "Welcome to America. You're going to do just fine here."
I know it must have been a hard break up. Are you okay?
Oh yeah, I'm fine dude. My vaginas heart is broken though. I feel bad for her, you should give her a call sometime.
Ive only just recently decided that NOT fucking you would be best for both of us.
In related news... Actually, nope. I don't have any orgy-related news. You win.
I think when Jesus turned water into wine it was a sign that we should get drunk off Sangria tonight. Do it for Jesus. He died for your sins.
You were drunk enough to sled down a highway off ramp in your pajamas….
And then the templeton police were like "oh I remember her, yeah the blue haired girl that we picked up cause she was passed out drunk on the side of the road"
a guy offered me a piece of pizza if I'd make out with a random girl. We got the whole damn box and I ain't even mad
Pretty sure we ruined a bachelorettes life last night
TRY TO UNDERSTAND I HAVE MAGIC POWERS HOLY FUCKING SHIT
how do I say, without sounding slutty... That I can take a dick?
The brides mom put a 6 year old in charge of me to make sure I don’t get too drunk before the wedding
Randomize
