I could have mohawked her pubes.
there was a trapeze. enough said
Is it too weird if im a sexy tampon for halloween?
That's the first time you've ever said the L word without referring to drinking or partying.
About to fuck some random fraternity guy I met at a party. I guess this would be the right time to say I don't want to be with you anymore.
i must of done something right to please the booty call gods. . . maybe fucking that fat chick?
There are dudes in kilts outside my window practicing fire breathing with cheap vodka and a modified grill lighter. I thought you should know.
She wanted to to do it on top of a horse, I can't compete with that
accidentally stumbled into a construction site at 3am on the way home. The bulldozer was locked so we had to settle for rerouting traffic with all the orange cones...
i think when the guy sitting in the corner singing tells you you're too drunk, you're too drunk.
No cash. I had to buy four bowls of soup to meet the credit card limit. I'm not even upset. SO MUCH SOUP.
I just came rly close to telling a dude that I want to chew on him and there should be an oil painting of his ass up in the louvre before I realized that isn't how flirting is supposed to go
I was covered in mud from my knees down, I smelt like the inside of a port-a-potty and only had mascara on one eye. . . so you know your usual Sunday brunch.
Auto correct isn't even working for how drunk you are
I saw some guy masturbating in the Burger King parking lot and I’m just fucking done
Randomize
