I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
He said we were driving the golf cart through the woods screaming 'iceroad truckers' for four hours in the dark
I woke up on a raft in a bath tub filled with beer. excellent night.
Just found a quarter that has been stuck to my boob since at least last night.
Just before going down on me she said, "I need a hairband for all of the jobs I'm about to perform."
I'm pretty sure that when my parents bought me those savings bonds they thought it would go towards something useful like tuition. Not your bail.
I told you I'd buy you lunch.
He's high as balls tripping balls and doing a reenactment of the scene where Buzz jumps off the balcony and can't fly to his soundtrack of Toy Story.
I think I may be the only girl in the world that can say she has fallen asleep grasping a penis..... 3 different times...... 3 different penises
He called some chick he used to fuck for cash to get food delivered to cheer me up
His dad gives me dirty looks whenever I come over though. I think it's because I eat his food and have sex with his son.
Sorry for face planting onto the table with all our alcohol on it
he's a mother fucking interior design major!! we boned and fell asleep and now we're laying in bed discussing what color i should paint my room. i'm marrying him
Our orgasm ration was 1:45. No. Fucking. Joke. I thought I was going to die.
If sleeping with your boss doesnt scream job security i dont know what does.
anything below 65° is too cold to be naked on a roof
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