Ur keys r in ur purse. ur purse is on the couch. ur cigs r on ur front seat. u drank all ur wine. mollie took ur jkt bc u cockblocked her. and in case anyone asks, the saints won 31-17.
dont touch anything in my room. If its phallus shaped, i can almost guarantee its been in my vagina.
Whenever I said your name you screamed polo and did another shot.
I'm just not sure how to initiate the "do you want to have sex with my boyfriend and I" conversation
You should ask if we are margaritasing tomorrow. and yes i did just turn that into a verb
he turned the pretty ricky playlist on. its about to go down.
We're like Siamese twins, but joined at the genitals.
Dude I wanna go on a booze cruise
Dude our life is a booze cruise
But without boats...
Having my alarm go off at 3:30 makes me wanna rip my dick off and shove it through my eye socket
It was like getting a handjob from a frost giant
These kids are nice. Shrooms make everything so nice.
Just got a ride from a stranger while walking a mile home as it hailed with no coat. He asked me if I smoked, then said he just made some potent cookies and I could have one.
The cookie was what I originally wanted to tell you. Always say yes to drugs from strangers
How did they ever let a trainwreck like myself run a bar?!
I'm pretty sure I smell like alcoholism and shame. And it's not a pretty scent.
He screamed, "Let there be light!" when he came
Randomize
