my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
Fuck. sleeping in my sisters room again I heard zombie noises outside my window
The only pictures he has from one of the biggest football weekends is an album titled "I miss my dog" filled with tons of pictures of his dog and him. This relationship must end.
Currently standing on top of my parents leather couch with no pants on playing helicoptor with my penis. You?
dude she was so drunk she thought Jim Joyce made the right call
i wrote down the address for planned parenthood on the back of the receipt for the condom that broke
I wasnt that drunk. Throwing the table off the third story was totally logical.
If thou arrisest to consciousness before I, rise me to an office of alertness for occupations such as brunch. Warm Regards, your roommate.
You just sent me a picture of a federal crime. Like. You don't give a fuck.
I may have to steal the boat sober, but I feel that would be harder to explain.
Rule #61 of being a lady: never get fingered by a finger with a knuckle tattoo
My mother is a bitch. She just outed me to my dad. He wants to meet you by the way...
Like I just asked Greg why I don't have a crown for my vagina. That drunk.
I woke up with my face covered in mustard. Your mom said I ate hotdogs like a pornstar
Did you pee in the oven last night??
Randomize
