and then I told her I was too drunk. She started to cry, and told me this always happens to her and that she thinks shes ugly. I pretended I was asleep and then she farted.
cynthia nixon should never get laid more than me
Still drunk and leading the team through the 9am sales meeting. I'm pretty sure this is why there aren't more 26year-olds in management.
we're going to drop off one of our cars at the police station tonight so we'll be able to drive home in the morning
So my mom and I were talking about what I should get you for christmas. She made it clear I cannot get christmas lingerie.
Dropping the entire last roll of TP into the toilet is a hurt you don't want to know.
You know you're baked when you feel your throat closing up from an allergic reaction to the pecans in the cookie you're eating but you keep eating the damn cookie.
I thought I could grab a hold of my stream of urine. So she left pretty soon after that.
I mean I've seen her tits but I don't know what her voice sounds like
I SWEAR TO ALL THAT IS HOLY I HAVE NEVER WIPED MY GENITALIA ON ANY TYPE OF EMERGENCY RESPONSE VEHICLE!!
Our relationship revolved around Taylor Swift albums. It's no wonder it ended so fast
the insurance claim form from last night says foreign object removal from genitourinary tract so as far as the insurance company knows, it could have been a gerbil
last time we were there you stole a tap from the toilets. How are you confused that your bag is full of baubles you clearly can't stop collecting their furnishings
all i remember is arguing with the chick that yahoo was better than google
all you were doing was yelling YAHOOOOO in her face
so i won
What do you do when you legitimately find a hidden sex dungeon in your parents basement next to your bedroom!!?
Randomize
