He's married, but his wife isn't my neighbor so I don't feel bad about coveting him.
two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
I'm sorry, but you without makeup is like christmas without presents.
Squirrels and blue jays and dove-like things. They're just frolicking around in my backyard. I wanna be like them.
Harry Potter. Singing. Sobering up. In that order.
i was on the fence about his sexual orientation until he referred to his marlboro loghts as "carrie bradshaws"
You'd be proud of me. They tried to give me bread to sober up, but I told them no, im on a diet.
She literally just puked and rallied AT HER OWN WEDDING. Welcome to White Trash town, America.
Me. You. Shitty green clothes from Savers that we will dub alligator costumes. Middle of the quad tomorrow at noon. Bring your alligator voice and the pearls before swine comic.
There's s woman at the corner of the bar dancing by herself in her seat and making eye contact with me. Please hurry.
I'd risk everything I own for 10 min naked with her, 2 would be sex and the rest me crying like a little girl.
She asked for references to decide whether she wanted to have sex with me. And she was serious.
I lost my pants last night, she told me I walked into their room after leaving 5 minutes before wearing my thong.....and no pants. I have absolutely no idea where I left them.
So you think Jesus would be proud of me for walking of shame into my apartment 10 minutes before I told my parents I'd be over for Easter?
You had sex with a Scottish dude with a peg leg....how could I NOT tell that story??
Randomize
